Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

Are They Even Bad Guys?

While playing the Kanto remake, Pokemon Let’s Go Eevee, there was one thing always on my mind: why is Team Rocket so useless?

Because let’s face it. If a ten-year-old who only started training pokemon a few days ago can seriously upset your plan for world domination, you’re doing something wrong.

So, Team Rocket, Team Magma, Team Baddies Etc., I got some tips and tricks that will help you actually be good at being bad.

Give Some Stolen Pokemon to Your Grunts

If each of your grunts only has one or two pokemon, you’re going to lose. You know you’re allowed to have up to six at a time, right? And you know those ten-year-old gym seekers are always going to be carrying six, right? So why don’t you do it?

Think of it as an investment. Instead of selling all of the pokemon you capture to the highest bidder, save a few moderately powerful ones for your grunts to use. If they have good (and a good number of) pokemon, they’ll probably be able to steal your more, and better, pokemon. It will pay for itself, I assure you.

Team Rocket’s Jessie and James each only have one Pokemon in this battle, both of the same types. And we wonder why they lose all the time. Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

And while we’re on the topic of giving pokemon to your grunts, let’s talk pokemon types. I get it. You’re “bad guys” so you need “bad pokemon.” Poison types, dark types, okay fine, sure, make sure everyone has one to keep up the brand. But balance your types a little more, guys. If you stick with one or two types everyone will be sure to carry a pokemon that counters that type. Diversify=Dominance. Got it?

(As a side note, you’re bad guys! Break the rules! Why not carrying more than six pokemon to not only show everyone you don’t care about the rules but to give you an advantage. Honor is for the good guys.)

Even the big bad boss of Team Rocket, Giovanni, only has three pokemon on his team (as shown by the pokeballs in the upper right corner). Set an example, dude. Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

Maintain and Enforce Your Brand

Team Rocket Symbol. Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

Your employees are the heart and the face of your company. And if they keep losing left and right, your brand is going to fail.┬áRemember, evil is your brand. Everyone needs to do their part in maintaining that brand, or you’ll lose credibility. No one will feel threatened by a company that loses to a ten-year-old.

Maybe do some team-building exercises and self-esteem classes for these sad grunts that can’t stand up to a ten-year-old. And maybe up your HR policies a little bit too. Being evil is a career, and if your grunts aren’t dedicated and keep running away from the good guys, maybe it’s time to let them go.

Your grunts need to grow a spine. They are not pokemon, okay, they should not “run away.” Your grunts are adults, or in the least, young adults. They can overpower a little ten-year-old. Heck, just stand in their way. Be menacing. Learn a little kung-fu. Threaten to tattle to their mommy.

Team Rocket blasting off again. Is that considered running? Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

Have a Backup Plan

So you’ve properly equipped your grunts and given them the courage they need, but they are still losing to a ten-year-old. What do you do?

Suppose the kiddos defeated all your grunt’s pokemon and then ordered their fire lizard to flamethrower them because they won’t move. It happens. But you need to be prepared for that.

You can’t just depend on pokemon to win your battles for you. Get a gun, a cattle prod, anything to defend yourself once the kid faints all your pokemon. You’ve heard of bringing a gun to a knife fight? Well, bring a gun to a pokemon fight. Don’t be afraid to be evil.

Though many episodes of the Pokemon series featuring guns are banned, gun violence is plausible in the Pokemon world. Image courtesy of the Pokemon Company.

And, when in doubt, kids are very, very susceptible to bribes. Probably half the reason they are going after you is due to the winnings they get from beating grunts. Consider trying to pay the kid off and send them on their merry way.

Also: consider not paying them for beating your grunts period. Then maybe they’ll leave you alone. Again, you’re the bad guys that don’t follow the rules. You earned that money stealing and selling pokemon at great risk to yourself. Don’t give it to every snot-nosed brat that makes eye contact with you.

You Are Now Ready, Young Grasshopper

Follow these tips and you’ll be a better bad guy in no time, Team Rocket. Don’t just stop here, however. Embrace your career and remember that being evil means doing everything possible to make sure your dark plots are realized.